Boys At Home!Boys Alive! Workshop Follow-Up
Boys At Home! will support and deepen your learning from the Boys Alive! workshop you recently attended. These are expanded notes from the workshop. It is our collective wisdom that helps us all raise the next generation!
Bringing Out Their Best At Home!It is important to appreciate your son's masculinity and create an environment that supports it.
Enlist Him...State the problem clearly and neutrally. Then ask him to help find solutions to the problem. Boys are creative and innovative and he is likely to come up with something you'd never have thought of!Boys need rules. He can relax when there is structure he can count on. Remember, he wants to know:
He may 'act tough' to cover his anxiety and fear. His response to anxiety and fear may look familiar: running around and making noise.
Self-Care Means You...are at your best when you're well-rested and nurtured. Don't our children deserve that from us?Breathe is a foundation of inner (and outer) calm. When you breathe deep and low into your belly, your voice naturally is lower and calmer. You'll sound more grounded and in control when you can master your breathing before you speak. It takes practice but soon becomes a habit. Stay Neutral in your emotions. (It takes practice!) State clearly how you feel about a problem or behavior and then drop it, returning to your warm, loving parent-self.
Less is More...Remember that boys take up to 60 seconds to process your verbal directions. Give him time and help him out by using less words.Breathe deeply, be firm and calm. Using nouns also helps processing and understanding. Gestures are often more useful than many words. "Hmm…" is sometimes enough. Be curious, be interested, and be quiet!Writing it down is another way to connect with your boy. Leave him a note! Tell him you noticed (specifically) something he did that was helpful to you.
Adapt Your Environment...Outside time and lots of it, is crucial for boys to be able to process their feelings and release excess energy. Make sure they have a safe place to play and let them go at it! I recently visited a friend's beach house and the entire back yard was like one giant sand castle with moats and islands and all sorts of bric brac formed into creative villages. Such creative imaginations at work there!Inside time needs to allow for boy's needs to spread their play over large areas and also release excess energy.
Be Positive...Ask yourself...And then tell your boy, clearly and neutrally, what your expectations are.
DAD...is especially important. No Dad on the scene? Enlist uncles, friends, father's of friends...Boys age 6-14 especially are looking to men to show them how it is to be a man.They are looking to dad and others to show them feelings and what to do with them... sadness, happiness, anger, and fear. Its interesting to note that many men convert their uncomfortable feelings into a comfortable emotion ~ which is usually anger. This is an opportunity for Dad to explore his own emotional range. Dad models respect for Mom. Dad has the last word on respecting mom, which translates into respecting women in general. Now your boy may be smaller than mom but it won't always be that way. Respect in language, attitude, and deed need to be taught and modeled with no compromise. Self-Control. Dads must teach their boys to Know When to Stop. Testosterone creates impulsive, risky and erratic behavior. Boys must learn to control themselves and its dad who must teach them. Lay out the ground rules of rough and tumble play and ask them..."Can you handle that?" Praise from dad is worth 10 times more than praise from Mom! Be specific about it...describe what you saw, how you felt, what it meant for others. You are increasing your boy's emotional vocabulary.
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