Eye ContactIn our culture, making eye contact is viewed as a sign of respect, as listening, as being connected to another... However, considering that our brains developed to support our survival, the brain of the Hunters (males) developed to protect it from predators. When confronted eye-to-eye with a predator, the ‘Fight or Flight’ response triggers deep in the male brain. Newborns...Girl babies look at and hold their parent’s gaze for a long time...Boy babies, on the other hand, look at their parent's for shorter periods...looking away as if needing a breather. This tends to end the eye contact (and therefore the relating) prematurely... Patience is needed with boy babies, as you help them attune to this way of communicating.
“Look at me when I talk to you!”A mom once told me that she had to take her son’s cheeks in her hands and guide his face so he would look at her. What she didn’t know, yet, was that she was having the opposite effect and was actually triggering a release of cortisol, the “Fight or Flight” hormone and her son was actually physically unable to look at her OR hear what she was saying.
How Do You Get Him to Listen?Choosing other ways to communicate will support active listening...Try these:Side-by-side: Focus on something in front of you, as you sit or stand shoulder to shoulder. Touching, if that is comfortable. Wash dishes together, put a puzzle together, go for a walk. Hug from behind: If you have permission, a hug from behind works great, you're close but eye contact is eliminated. Touch: A gentle touch on the hand, sit with shoulders touching or feet! Less is More: Pause, take a deep breath and before you speak, think about how to say what you need to in the fewest words possible. Busy Hands: Let him fiddle with something – squeeze a ball, model beeswax, tear paper, draw, or play with Legos. Physical Movement: He’ll be more able to talk if he’s had some physical movement first. Time: Give him time for processing his emotions (1-2 hours) before wanting to talk about it. Make sure he's had physical movement first! Looking at Eye Contact Differently
Another Way to Connect...with PsychogeographyWhen you become more aware of where you are standing or sitting when you are talking to another person, you will increase the chances that you are understood when you make adjustments in your psychogeography (where you are in space). Learn more and walk through this simple psychogeography exercise.Learn more about what boys need differently from their parents...
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