Advice for Staying Connected
to Your Teen
Teenagers! Yikes!
As the parent of a teen, do you feel you've entered Uncharted Territory?!...
These 10 Parenting Tips will help you understand and stay connected to your 13 to 19 year old...
Establish the Non-Negotiables First...
Teenage behavior can be risky and/or just plain dumb. It is imperative that you establish the non-negotiables clearly and ahead of time. With your guidance, together you can decide on the limits and the consequences for not keeping agreements...
1. Teenagers Need To Talk
Adolescents understand their world by talking about it. Often, they are not well-informed about their topics and may seem belligerent and opinionated. Continue the conversation, no matter what. This is your opportunity to be a good listener and continue to be the mirror and interpreter of the world-at-large for your teen. Sometimes they may not want to talk to you ~ don't take it personally. They’ll talk with each other and argue. Adolescent girls may turn to their journals while adolescent boys may find an outlet in writing songs. Any outlet helps them formulate what they believe in and value.
2. Know Where They Are At All Times
Remind your teenager that having a cell phone is a privilege, not a right. A cell phone means you will let each other know your plans. If plans change, it is your teen's responsibility to let you know. You let them know what your plans are, right?! Have your teenager teach you to text message.
3. Curfew
Discuss and agree on a reasonable curfew. This means what is right for your family, NOT ‘what everyone else is doing.’ If needed, call other parents and ask them what their curfew rules are... And your teenager must let you know when they're home. I used to fall asleep on my adolescent girl's bed so I would know when she got home. A benefit was that late nights are often the time when teenager's are ready to talk. Be open to staying up even a little later for some quiet conversation, and be ready to listen.
4. Driving
There is no opportunity for second chances here! Follow your state's young driver rules and add your own to make driving a safe experience. Delay getting permits and licenses as long as possible. Sometimes teenagers feel pressured to get their license before they feel secure about driving. Let them off the hook if you sense they are struggling with this – require a little longer practice time behind the wheel.
5. Know Their Friends
You want your home to be the central hub of adolescent activity. This means your refrigerator is full at all times! Talk to your teen’s friends, look them in the eye, take an interest in them and in their families. A friend of mine had a long-standing tradition of creating a haunted house on Halloween. At first, it was the adults creating for the children. As the years passed, the children began doing the creating and it has continued as a much planned for and fun event for parents, teens and younger children.Create something together, get involved in a project and work alongside of your teen. You may each discover interests you didn’t know you had!
6. Be Available
Make yourself available for late night sessions around the kitchen table or driving in the car with your teen. Maintain family traditions. ‘Tucking in’ your teen may seem odd, yet that is when they may be ready to chat.
My brother-in-law always made mouse pancakes for breakfast on Sunday when the kids were little. There was a time during the teen years when that was a subject for teasing. Now, though, as adults, when they come home, they want dad to make mouse pancakes! Sometimes it is enough just to share the same space. Be the reliable, steady presence in these tumultuous teen years.
7. Family Time
Though meals together may feel impossible, it is still crucial. When asked what would help ease teen stress, more than half said they wanted more family time. So, don’t let them fool you! On some level, they do yearn for family connection. Many studies have shown the connection between family meal times and healthy teens. They've shown that when teenagers eat a majority of meals with a parent, they have higher academic success, better health, higher self-esteem and are less likely to use drugs or have symptoms of depression.
8. Biographies
As teenagers search for their place in the world, it is important to supply them with ‘larger than themselves’ role models. See “Books for the Journey: A Guide to the World of Reading” edited by Marianne Carello which provides a balanced reading list for adolescents.
9. Humor, Flexibility and Specific Language
Keeping in mind that “this too shall pass” may help you approach your teen's behavior with a lightness that may hold all of you steady through the tough times. See the Specific Language page (coming soon) and learn new ways with the 'same old words.'
10. Shine The Light On What They Do Right!
Adolescents will make mistakes but likely they are doing more things right. Focus on the right things! Teen behavior has its ups and downs. Be forgiving and flexible. Tell your son or daughter specifically what you noticed them doing right. Appreciate them! “Thanks for giving your sister a ride to practice. That really helped me out when I had to be in two places at once.”
10 Parenting Tips for Teenagers is only the beginning of ways to stay connected to your teen. Understanding adolescent development will help you understand teen behavior. Your patience will increase along with your understanding and compassion for this roller coaster ride that you are all on! Watch for pages on the three phases of teen development coming soon.
Above all, relax and enjoy Parenting Your Teenager...all too soon they will be off to college...
but, that's another page...
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